I promised that I would tell you...
why I never eat fish.
When we all moved into my grandfather's house...
it somehow fell to me to keep the old man's mind off of things.
We would play casino over an old card table.
He never let me win.
One time he put one of those tiny model trains...
into my hamburger.
He was a practical joker.
I broke my tooth on it.
On Friday evenings we had fish at our house.
Every Friday.
Not on religious grounds, but because...
Grandpa was a fish enthusiast.
"Keeps ya from going blind," he would say.
Even though the bones always got caught in his throat.
My brother and I would sit next to one another...
waiting for his terrible coughing to begin.
Then one of us would be dispatched to the kitchen to get a heel of bread...
to clear the bones.
He'd gulp it down, and slowly his coughing would diminish.
Then everything would be quiet again and we would go on with the meal...
as though nothing had happened.
One Friday...
my parents went out...
leaving my brother and I alone to serve ourselves and Grandfather.
Mom left the fish warming on the stove.
Breaded sole.
The bread crumbs only helped to conceal the bones.
When the inevitable coughing began...
my brother and I just sat...
and looked at each other...
not moving.
Grandfather's eyes got wide.
His face became contorted and red...
his arms flailing about.
I raced to the kitchen and back with a heel of pumpernickel.
Grandfather reached out for it convulsively.
But...
I...
handed it to my brother instead.
And he...
back to me.
Grandfather pitched...
face forward onto the dining room table and then...
back, knocking his chair over...
pulling the tablecloth, silverware...
mashed potatoes, fish...
stewed tomatoes with peppers and onions...
all of it on top of him.
Heaped on the floor...
behind the table he...
Iooked like the remains...
of some chaotic dinner party.
My brother took the incriminating pumpernickel from my hand and...
stuck it...
into Grandpa's fingers.
I think at that moment, my brother and I became accomplices forever.
"Don't ever say a word about this," he said.
"Just go to bed and pretend...
that you're asleep."
The next morning...
my parents explained to me that...
Grandpa had gone away on business...
and had left me a very special kiss good-bye.
Are you out of your mind?
Sorry, Dave. The guy said it was an emergency.
I don't care what the story is. I'm on the air.
Anything you say. I'm sorry.
Enough talk. Let's hear our theme all the way through tonight.
Until Wednesday, then, this has been Etcetera...
and I have been your host, David Staebler.
Eight minutes of theme?
Who called?
I don't know. He said he'd call back.
I'm gonna tape at home for Wednesday.
Maybe for from now on.
Blinking lights.
Urgent telephone calls.
I'll mail you the cassette.
You know nothing gets past me when you're live.
The guy said it was an emergency.
There is no emergency can't wait till I sign off.
I know.
What's the difference?
If you don't mind hanging around, I'll buy you coffee.
I've got another appointment. Some other time, okay?
Frank?
Not your fault. Sorry.
Dave, you coming in Wednesday?
Are you going to mail in the show or what?
Help strengthen the arch of our foot. So get your chairs and sit down.
There are 39 stations to choose from, AM and FM.
Plus television.
If you don't like my stories, you don't have to listen to my program.
Jason called...
person-to-person, after midnight.
I gave the operator your number at the station.
Well, he didn't get through.
He'll get through.
And I never stuck a model train in your hamburger.
It was a cricket from a CrackerJack box.
What's goin' on?
- It's your brother again. - Jason?
He made me wake you.
- What's he want? - He says...
He made me write it down.
Let's see.
What's it say?
It says, "Get your ass down here fast. Our kingdom has come."
Where's he calling... I've got pins and needles.
- Where's he calling from? - The blood don't circulate.
Jersey. Down at the shore.
What time is it?
1:30.
You woke me up, Jason.
Train arriving from Philadelphia on track one.
Welcome, Davey!
We're not really ready yet.
It was supposed to be a lot better, but things don't always work as planned.
If you loveJason...
I'm Sally.
I would tell you I've heard so much about you, but I detest cliches.
Listen, I would like to see my brother.
I'm sure you understand.
Davey, he was supposed to be here.
David, okay?
It's nice of you to come down and everything...
but no one's called me Davey in ten years.
Naturally you're irritated, but is it my fault...
Just a minute. They're here. Hold on.
Just stand there. Make a straight line.
You know the song, right? On the downbeat, okay?
By the sea, by the sea
By the beautiful sea You and me, you and me...
Come on, Davey. Jason's waiting.
That's all.
You look like a priest in that wardrobe.
Hey, come on. Give me a break here now.
Same old David, huh?
You notice how it's Monopoly out there?
Remember Boardwalk, Park Place, Marvin Gardens?
Go directly to jail?
That's me. Don't pass Go, don't collect $200.
Jason, is there something I should do?
Yeah.
Gimme your pen.
I'm gonna give you an address.
Hey, come on now! Gimme a break!
My brother's in town.
All right. Now.
I'm giving you an address here.
It's about a five or ten minute jitney ride.
When you get there, ask for a man named Lewis.
Tell him you're my brother, and I want my ass out of here before sundown.
Nothing on the record.
Be polite.
Then meet me on the boardwalk.
Take in the sights, look around. I'll find you.
Go around the other way.
I'm Jason's brother.
I said, go around the back.
What can we do for you?
Jason said I should only talk to Lewis...
if that's okay.
Have a seat in here anywhere.
Can you think I'm gonna service you now?
You know I'm gonna do it for you. That's what I'm like.
I appreciate...
How about you appreciate it up the ass?
You know, I don't like to make trouble. I'm not a troublemaker.
I just want to say thank you.
Thank you. I really mean that.
I don't need thanks, and I don't want no thanks.
I'm a generous sort of a gentleman.
What's the message?
Jason said I should only talk to Lewis.
Getting to Lewis don't entail additional waiting time.
Jason said if Lewis knows...
Right there, my boy, is an accurate summarization.
Jason says, and Lewis knows.
You want to change seats, go right ahead.
Wait for me, Gertrude.
Wait for me.
You've already met Sally. Jessica?
Jessica, this is David.
Hi.
Hello.
There it is, Davey.
It's supposed to be the oldest and finest accommodations on the boardwalk.
Come on, Jes.
Woodrow Wilson used to stay here. Did you know that?
Did you know he used to live in Princeton?
The island's called Tiki.
It's seven miles off the coast of Honolulu...
and it's the most fantastic place I ever saw in my life.
Sally, did you remember to pick up that mail this morning?
I sentJessie for it.
It's really going to be good to talk island again.
You know we haven't talked island in years?
We haven't talked anything in years.
I know, but that's what I'm trying to get: A Staebler Brothers Renaissance.
I didn't forget, David.
How are you tonight?
We're not paying electricity here. You can leave lights burning.
I did. The bulbs must've blown.
The last time we had candles. How about some candles?
Yeah. Isn't this romantic?
I love it. I'm for getting violins up here.
Maybe it's the fuse. I'll call downstairs.
May I talk to Mr. Seymore, please?
Bring one of those candles in here. I can't see to piss.
Mr. Seymore, this is Jason Staebler's secretary.
We have no lights in 914.
Would you?
Please. As soon as possible.
Not as soon as possible. Tell the man I want these lights ten minutes ago.
Thank you very much.
Blow out.
Black Horse Pike, right outside Absecon.
This lady Lucy...
real upset because she's afraid somebody is gonna find us together.
I got nothing with Lucy.
I don't have the key to Shirley's trunk.
I drive her car all the time, whenever I want to go someplace.
But I never needed to get into her trunk before.
Now, I'm looking around.
The crowbar I find on the floor, backseat.
Pull it out, go outside the car...
and I'm trying to pry open her trunk.
All of a sudden, headlights I'm gettin', right here.
Cops.
I admit I look suspicious with a crowbar in my hand, trying to open her trunk.
Not to mention I got a woman, Lucy, in the front seat hiding herself...
underneath the dashboard.
Now I got a cop coming with a big flashlight...
Iooking in the trunk.
What do we got there behind the spare?
A Kleenex box filled with Swiss watches.
And this bitch, Shirley...
she's reported that her car has been stolen.
You understand, without that what you got at the train station...
is celebrity treatment?
You mean, you'd have been there to conduct the orchestra.
I'd have been there.
Pathetic.
Half of them don't even know if they're standin' or sittin'.
They may wind up sitting on your jury.
What are you talking about, jury? The charge is a total charade.
It ain't even gonna get to the trial stage.
It's some lunatic out in the street, totally confused...
trying to hang my ass 'cause he's got a grudge.
We got apologies in the morning.
I was in jail one time in Cincinnati. I don't know if you heard about that.
I did 60 days.
You wouldn't know what that was like, but it was really grim.
We've all done our time, Jason.
Isn't she beautiful?
So beautiful.
What do you think, David? Miss America?
Sure. We'll bring her back next summer as Miss Hawaii. How's that?
In the meantime, let us formulate some plans.
You notice how it's not on most maps? It's just a dot here.
But it's paradise.
A kingdom.
Staebleravia.
I thought it was called Tiki.
We're gonna get to rename it next month. You can consider that your department.
- How do you build a resort like this? - Don Dimbleby. You ever heard of him?
I call him "Dimblewit."
You understand, this is a man...
who inherited his daddy's entire fortune.
Then he pours six million clams into my little island...
before he bothers to clear his gambling license.
On an operation this large, the casino is the name of the game.
That's where you stand or fall.
But Dimblewit thinks he can do it without politicians.
You never can.
Let's try something new tonight. Yes?
Lewis, he's the one taught me that.
Jason, which do you like better?
Up like this...
or down?
If Donald Dimbleby couldn't get a gambling license, how can you?
He could've got one, all right.
He just insulted the wrong people.
I've done business with the man, and he's no diplomat.
And you can run a place this big?
I don't know.
I'm not gonna try and con you.
I can only tell you, for the last ten years I have been in training for it...
and I've got people fighting to back me, goddamn smart money.
But who the hell knows?
That's the cost.
I got it worked out so we parcel lots in ten-acre packages on the far side.
Cover our total investment.
Vacation villas.
We retain two-thirds for free. How's that?
My pal Lewis's front money.
He owes me favors.
I'd cut him in for a piece of the casino.
That Lewis. "You don't amortize."
I don't know too much about real estate.
I just told you all you need to know.
Now, tell me...
how does it sound?
It sounds fantastic, Jason.
Then what are you worried about?
Good night, Davey. I mean David.
Good night.
Your job?
You don't think we got radio in Hawaii?
Hey, we package your show.
I'll tell you what we can do.
We can syndicate you to the whole goddamn English-speaking world.
You bunk here tonight. Okay?
Tell me what you're so upset about.
I'll tell you whether or not it's real.
Frankly, I think what you've got is an exercise problem.
Not enough space to run around in Philly, work up a decent sweat.
Hey, David?
How's about we change all that?
Come on.
Come on, sprint. Give me sprint!
Come on, loosen up.
I'll give you the goddamn Olympic Games!
Come on. I'm two years older than you and beatin' your butt.
David, you all right? David?
Yes, you are. You're terrific.
Exercise. Throw your arms up.
Don't puke, goddamn it. Exercise!
You look like a goddamn penguin.
Come on. Gimme gymnastics.
Look at this. We got Bimbo coming for gym class.
- Things are a mess again. - Put it in a nutshell.
It's Sally. The nutshell is, you better come right away.
Talk the manager of the SaintJames out of a grim mood.
Surtees is always in a grim mood.
He's already called the police. It's not funny. It's no joke.
What do you mean, the police? She knows I'm in a delicate situation.
Okay. Try not to go off half-cocked.
Absolutely. Let's review the situation calmly. I'm only out on goddamn bail!
Let's be totally serene on the subject of police.
Sally goes to take her bath, and the water comes out rusty.
The Carlton's right next door to the SaintJames...
which your brother said he acquired last week.
- Sally says, "Am I not entitled... - I never said I acquired it.
To bathe in Jason's own hotel?"
- She shoos the peon desk clerks away. - I can see it now.
Me and the cops ridin' up together in the same elevator.
I don't mean to cast stones. I'm still out on a ridiculous felony charge.
All I asked from you was a simple message to Lewis.
- Wait a minute. - It was a favor. Now I'm vulnerable.
- I went to see him. - But you didn't talk to him.
Otherwise the man would've gone straight into action.
The place was weird. I waited around. What's the difference?
This gun is all I need. I'm out on goddamn bail with a concealed weapon.
It ain't registered. Please remind me to get this thing registered.
You take this in your hand.
It ain't gonna go off like a firecracker in your face.
Jesus Christ! Great to have flesh and blood in your corner.
I'm sorry about the mess...
Jason, you need me!
Do you want me to carry that?
Sally madeJason buy this.
As if anyone would dare mug Sally.
David?
I wish you didn't think I was part of all this.
Aren't you?
Of course I am.
We all are.
Last group, bus leaving for Camden.
- Good job. Where's... - Room 213, but you can't go up there!
How can I get dressed? My clothes are out there.
It's okay, darlin'. I'm taking care of it.
I'm standing here wiping bubble bath off my chest...
and you're insulting my people?
You're standing there. You sicced the cops in on that woman.
You got a battalion of people here.
You got a woman naked in the bathtub, and you're not even selling tickets.
Jason, hand me my stuff.
- Here's your dress. Please hurry. - You pig.
What are you looking at? Am I running burlesque?
What's the matter? You're not getting enough at home, you gotta peek around?
- Is that your problem? - Take it easy.
What do you care about a man hunting for an eyeful?
What do you care about a lady? All she wants to do is wash up.
It's the principle, Jason.
I'm attempting to run an orderly establishment.
Get over here. Who you trying to bullshit?
You've got a grudge a mile wide, and you know it.
What's going on here?
I have every reason to be chagrined. You promised Lewis would sign last week.
Providing we could work out the terms of the maintenance deal.
Then you can't even produce your owners for the meeting.
And waste everybody's time? You know the maintenance clause is a smoke screen.
Of course. You'd rather we cancel the whole negotiation, you got it.
Can you get Lewis to cancel that last paragraph?
If I can't get Lewis to cancel the paragraph, nobody can.
What are we talking about? I'm the only man trying to hold this deal together.
Why would you ever want to alienate me?
God Almighty!
Yeah.
Under the circumstances...
I'm afraid I'm still gonna have to charge you for the room.
That's understood.
What is it, $38.50?
I had a hunch that...
we weren't talking principle here today.
You're gonna make sure my money finds its way into the cash register.
Aren't you, hard-on?
If you hadn't come, the police would've been there dragging me out of the tub.
I don't go into a place with my bubble bath...
say I have special privileges here, and have the cops called on me.
That's all. I'm not finished yet. My feet are still cold.
- This water isn't hot enough. - It's still steaming.
- It's not steaming, it's cold. - The water is still hot.
Maybe it feels hot to you because you weren't there freezing your ass off...
but I was!
Catching double pneumonia, dragging me out of a bathtub.
Sally, it's all right.
- Could you pour the hot water? - Not him!
It's all right. Go ahead.
I'm just asking you to put yourself in my shoes for once if you would.
How do you think that made me feel? Just think about it.
Poor Mommy.
Thank you.
You told me you owned the goddamn SaintJames Hotel. You're full of shit.
I told you we still had to examine the papers.
You're full of shit!
Thank you.
You take a bath in there sometime. Will you? Take one bath in there.
The water is rusty. Icky! Mucky!
You'd come out dirtier than when you went in, for God sakes.
It won't stay hot for three minutes, on top of everything else.
Just take one bath and you'll see. Go on, shrivel your testicles.
- I'll talk to the manager. - That'll do a lot of good. Terrific.
It's just for a few more days. A couple weeks at the most.
Agura is flying in here tomorrow from Tokyo.
We've got a deal. It's 96% finalized.
- Not like the SaintJames. - What is it?
- Listen to me now for one time! - I am listening!
I tried to explain that the SaintJames deal was still in the exploratory stage.
- You didn't make that clear. - I didn't mean to yell.
It doesn't matter anyway, because the four of us are Waikiki Beach.
Brown as berries. Goddamn 50th state. We're goddamn Hawaii, babe.
Pineapples.
That's funny.
All I need to feel is that you're with me. You know, David?
Like we got something solid between us.
I'm still here, aren't I?
Things are weird around here, you know.
It's not like home, huh?
You were really fabulous with Sal yesterday.
The girls will be yours as much as mine.
Yeah? When's all this go into effect?
We'll know when it's time, won't we?
Love takes time, you understand.
You've read all that literature.
No one reads anymore.
I have been deprived my literary right...
and I crave an audience.
The form of the tragic autobiography is dead.
Or will be soon, along with most of its authors.
Good-bye, written word.
So I have chosen this form...
radio...
to author my life...
not because my life is particularly worthy...
but because it is hopefully...
comically unworthy.
Besides...
tragedy isn't top 40...
which is just as well.
God, I'm sorry. I didn't know anybody was in here.
It's all right. I'm not doing anything.
- What time is it? - I don't have to go. I can come back.
I couldn't sleep, and I was afraid if I talked in there I would wake you up.
Oh, no. It's fine.
You should have all the time you need.
I know you're an artist.
I can come back.
I couldn't sleep, and I was afraid if I talked in there I would wake you up.
Oh, no. It's fine.
You should have all the time you need.
I know you're an artist.
You say $150. $150 high bid.
$175. Yes, $175. $200.
Now $225. Yes, $225. And now $250. $250, now $275.
Sold, $250.
Thank you, Henry. That was neat.
Next.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm your auctioneer for the evening...
and by my accent, you can undoubtedly know I'm Scottish.
And as you well know, Scottish people do not give things away free.
I love the hustle around here. It's out in the open.
Down here, everybody's hustling all the time. It makes me laugh.
Maybe you can explain to me why Simmons couldn't wait till the season comes.
Nobody hires an auctioneer in the depths of winter.
We all take five. What do you say?
The pause that refreshes, boys.
I'll talk to you guys in a minute.
You, my brother, sit down there for a second and watch this.
Grab the purse.
Mister, look. Give Magda back her purse or I'm gonna call the police.
No, no. She's got it back.
Come right in, ladies.
Of course you won't give me your purse.
2,000 years of civilized greed has taught us to cling to our possessions.
Trust no one. The woods are full of thieves.
What woods?
- What are you selling? - The man is sincere, Bambi.
Thank you. I really appreciate that.
I know none of you expects me to give you something for nothing...
but I am prepared to give you something for next to nothing.
See what we have here today?
- What do you select? - The radio.
- Magda! - The clock radio. I knew it.
Sophisticated taste for Magda, the woman who's going for a $28.50 item.
For you, Magda, 75 cents.
Three quarters in my hand, and you're walking out with a clock radio.
- You'll give me the radio for 75 cents? - What else does she have to buy?
I've got a clock radio here going for six bits.
It's goin' once, it's goin' twice.
I'd like to hear it play. It's only fair.
I'm sorry. Forgive me.
Okay, Davey, take over.
- Break up a good clock radio! - Forget the radio. Here.
Why don't you take this mixing machine? It's a freebie.
- How about the toaster? - Toaster? Sure, here.
- How about the watch? - You take the toaster.
We don't want your money, ladies. Here you go.
And a surprise package for you.
No, ladies. For God sakes, ladies. No, we don't want your money.
The auction is over. Run along now. That's it for today.
- God, Jason. - You're a holy terror, you know that?
I'm surprised they ever let you out of that loony bin.
Not exactly a loony bin. More like a retreat, rest home.
Wait, both of you.
Before you call it a day's work, what am I supposed to do with seven auctioneers?
Send 'em packing. They're a bunch of lames. Jam-joiners.
Very nice. What about my merchandise?
Why be so shortsighted? Think of the goodwill it bought you.
Goodwill don't balance my books. I need receipts.
- Tell this schmuck about receipts. - I've got a news flash for you.
These grandmas are coming back with half the widows of South Jersey...
and not because they got a handout for nothing...
but because merchandise was presented to them with style.
Style, from this schmuck, you schmuck...
who happens to be David Staebler, my brother.
Two Staeblers. Are you planning my ruination?
Just the opposite.
I've been summoned here to give your image a face-lift.
Surely even you understand that image is everything in business today.
I have no time for jokes, no argument. Receipts is the rule for everybody.
Why aggravate me? I am reunited with my brother and you're arguing with me.
That's no way to do business. It don't have a good "bode."
Remember when we were kids?
You were always hollering, "You're not the king of me!"
It still goes.
Don't think you've got the crown of Staebleravia sewed up either.
I hear these islands are a veritable hotbed of palace revolution.